Surviving the Storms
We all face many storms in our lives. It’s not about ‘making lemonade from lemons’ but instead understanding these struggles and having the awareness and insight after we survive them to see how they have led us exactly to where we need to be. It’s about not looking back with lament asking ‘why?’ but instead looking forward and asking ‘where do i want to go with this gift I have been given?’
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I have had many storms in my life. You’ve read about a big one - 9/11. I learned what it felt like to be wrongly accused of something and then have to defend myself even knowing I was entirely in the right. I’ve had some friendships that were paper thin when push came to shove while others got stronger. I learned the hard way how there is no such thing as a sure bet. I had to overcome vanities and insecurities and for years now I have loved my bald head instead of feeling embarrassed by it. It helped me embrace who I was rather than judge myself by what I looked like, or didn’t look like anymore - I had a helluva head of hair once upon a time ago 
The loss of my three grandparents makes me appreciate my remaining grandma so much more. She is a beacon of light and wisdom in my life.
I was never physically or emotionally abused. I was never molested. I didn’t even get into too many fights in my life. Both my parents and sister are alive and well as is my 91 year old Gram. My health is good and my family’s health is good too. So, there are many, many more storms to come! And I’m sure many of you out there have had your own storms that could be considered ‘worse’ or harder than mine. That is not the point. Your storms are relative to yourself only. Not for comparison to others. For me, those were traumatic events in my life.
So here is the bold statement: Those were the most important things that have ever happened to me! Before you get up in arms and yell at me and question how 9/11 or the death of a loved one could ever be considered a ‘good thing’, stop for a minute. I agree with you. I am not saying anything relative to someone else. I am not saying that I am happy those things occurred, that I would choose to have them occur, or that I am not extremely sad and still very much affected by their occurrences. I am not happy for anyone’s loss or sadness from any of those events I mentioned. Not at all. I still cry much of the time that I recall my own 9/11 experience. I am still very sad.
But I choose to look at it another way now, AND still feel the sadness and empathy. So I ask that you to look at it in another way for just a moment.
Without having experienced many of those storms, I wouldn’t now have the mental fortitude, strength or vision to persist on this path. Strength does not equal numbness. It takes a lot more strength and confidence to show your true feelings, to cry in public, than it does to suppress them for fear of judgment. I have said it many times – this is a much harder road.
9/11 gave me the courage and the urgency to stop floating down the river and to take hold of the wheel and steer for myself. It opened my eyes so I could finally see where I wanted to go and that I needed to listen, NOW. Not tomorrow or ‘some day.’ Now I have an ongoing appreciation that every day is indeed a gift. I live my life now in a completely different manner with a very different set of core values. ‘Success’ to me isn’t about how much money I make. It is about making a comfortable living and providing for my family and my future doing something that I feel is important. Doing something that I feel is a contribution to the world. AND, being around for the important times with my family, like kissing them goodnight most nights and playing tickle monster in the living room and singing them to bed with Neil Young’s “Sugar Mountain.”
I have had many storms in my life. Because of these storms, I have found my calling and touched thousands of people with my message. Because of the storms, I have better perspective into what’s important to me in my life. I don’t look back and feel glad about what’s happened. I don’t look back and wish they would happen again. They have happened. I can’t change that. What I choose is to stay in the present and look forward and accept that they have made me who I am today and have prepared me for the storms to come tomorrow. I can live with that.
July 26th, 2006 at 10:58 am
Thanks Mike for this most perfect message for me. Today (07/26) I mark five years since the death of my former husband and the birth of my new life with my now 7 yr. old daughter, Emma. Sometimes we are given gifts that we do not want, and like you did, embrace those gifts, unwrap those gifts and own those gifts. As I unwrapped my unwanted gift, I found that there were actually things i did want…like courage, strength, love, friendship, a future, a blank page, PAINTS!, choices…and even a new family with Jeff and Sam added in!
Have a happy, wonderful day and thanks for your inspiring words, Kate
July 27th, 2006 at 10:47 am
Mike, your message (as always) is inspiring and uplifting, but also rocks ones core. It really made me think about the struggles we deal with day to day, and then the surprise bumps in the road that we didn’t plan for. I too have experienced some real “storms” in my life - as we all have. And for each of us, our own personal storms are difficult, are often devastating, and to others they may not seem that bad, but being on the outside looking in you can never really understand another’s feelings. What we all do have in common is hurt, and pain, and fear – but what we don’t seem to all have in common is what to do with those raw emotions. Everyone reacts in their own way to difficult times, and no matter how each of us are different in that reaction, what is important is that we react. I agree with you 100% that even though our difficult times aren’t usually pleasant, everything that happens has a message and you just have to be open and receptive to what that message is. Every day we are given a chance to “do good” and to “be happy”, and every day is a new day to make a difference, either in your own life or in the lives of others. Every day is so very precious and without the struggles we have all had to face, we would not be the strong, confident, empathetic person we woke up as yesterday, today, and tomorrow morning. Our self, our being is an ever evolving mix of experiences, and while none of us want the “storms”, when we really see the root of the experience we are able to better appreciate what we do have and who we really are. Your post is incredible and helped to remind me today that it’s a good day, it’s a great day to be here.
July 29th, 2006 at 11:36 pm
Thanks Mike, for asking me to read your blog today, after I put my beloved cat Mini to rest this early evening. Compared to the tragedies some people face, the loss of a pet can sound trivial, but in reality, her loss was as close and as deep to me as the loss of a person. She was my baby, and her loss symbolizes the loss and letting go of so much in my life up until this point.
I have learned a lot about myself through this. Someone told me today that out of everyone he knows, I have a quiet strength that comes into play just at the right moments, and can’t be matched. I know this to be true now, because I experienced it in a profound way today.
There are times when I’d take having everything the way I want it easily over learning what I’m made of, but not today. I had tried to make Mini well, but some things are beyond our control. That’s a big lesson to learn. I’m beginning to understand that there are times to fight to the finish for something I believe in, and that shows strength, and then there are times to accept and let go, and that is strength too.
I smiled at the doctor when he said, “She’s gone”…I felt light, as though both Mini and my spirit lifted up at the same time. I would have never guessed that just when I thought I couldn’t bear another inch of pain, God would step in and give me peace about this. I want to carry this peace in my life and see where it takes me. It’s a new chapter, and there are a million opportunities for me, if I want to see them.
Thanks again, Mike
September 9th, 2006 at 5:24 pm
IT WAS A SUNDAY…MINDY HAD BEEN AT THE VET THE DAY BEFORE…I CALLED CHRISTIAN…HE SAID DON’T WORRY AUNT MARION…I WILL HANDLE EVERYTHING…HE KNEW I WAS SAD TO LOSE MY LITTLE SCHNAUZZER…BUT HE GAVE ME A STRENGTH THAT DAY THAT I SHALL NEVER FORGET IN MY LIFETIME. IF I COULD HAVE CHOSEN ANYONE TO MAKE MY DAY….IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HIM…I WAS ABLE TO COPE ..EVEN THOUGH SADDENED BUT IT WAS HEAVEN SENT THAT HE WAS TRULY A PART OF MY LIFE THAT DAY. GOD ONLY GIVES US WHAT WE CAN ENDURE…IT IS TRUE
I ENJOYED ALL YOUR INSPIRATIONS MIKE…THINKING ABOUT YOUR PAST OCCURRENCES GAVE ME SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT AND YES IT DOES SHOW US THAT EACH ONE OF OUR LIVES IS ONLY RELEVANT TO US…BUT THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SHARE.
September 20th, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Mike,
Indeed we all do have storms in our lives. I used to hate the term ‘what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger’. I heard that phrase way too many times during my divorce, and i hated it. but you know what, it is so true!
The biggest storm I have ever faced was the realization that after 8 years of marriage, and 3 children, that my wife was coming out of the closet as a lesbian, and we were divorcing. I married for life, and only wanted one wife forever. I chose Christine as my life partner, because I wanted to live with her for ever. What I didnt know, was that she didnt share the same dedication towards me.
Some people have asked if it wasnt easier that she was a lesbian, since it had nothing to do with me that we divorced. Although I see the truth in that point of view, I must tell you that I disagree completely. Had she cheated on me with a man, and left of course it would’ve rocked my world and of course that too would’ve been a storm in my life. But I just feel that living, sleeping, marrying, raising children with, and loving someone who is hiding such a deep dark secret is much worse.
The woman I married is no more. Instead there is a woman who looks somewhat like the woman I married. She is a good mother to our children. but she dresses differently, acts differently, has a whole different circle of friends than before, does different things, eats different foods, and is basically a different person. The person who exists today is the real christine. the one who was hiding from me, from her parents, from society, and even from herself.
The real christine was inside the christine I loved and married. but I never knew. That such a person can be hidden from someone as intimately close as a husband is simply incredible.
Had she cheated on me with a guy, yeah that would’ve hurt. But she would still be the same person I married. She’d be a cheater yes, but the same essence of a person.
The person I married is gone. Instead I have a friendly co parenting partner.
We get along well now, for the kids sake. I have to see her multiple times a week for at least the next 13 years until my youngest goes away to college. We are friendly, but we will never be friends. She can never be my friend. She is not the person I thought she was.
I can tell you deep dark stories of my bad times with handling my divorce, but I will spare you the details. Suffice is to say that I am lucky to still be alive and enjoying life. I love living again, and thriving again. I know I will love again. but it has been a hard 4 years to weather the biggest storm I have ever faced.
Thank you for your blog
Danny
September 20th, 2006 at 4:45 pm
Hey Danny -
Thanks for posting that comment. That must have been surreal for you to find all of that out.
Your post offers a lot of your surprise, disappointment, shock, realization that she wasn’t who you thought she was etc.
So, what blessings have your realized because that happened?
In what ways has your life changed or turned in a better direction than it could have otherwise?
What did you learn about yourself? Resilience? Strength? Courage?
Tell us more about the positives that have resulted since.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story with us.
mj
September 20th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Hi Mike,
As for my positives, well i think the biggest positive is that i am a better dad than i was before it happened. dont get me wrong, i wasnt a bad dad. i just wasnt as involved as i am now. i now am more involved with their schoolwork, and homework, and schedules. all stuff that she wouldve done in the past. i am more involved in their doctor visits and what medications they are on, etc. again stuff she wouldve done.
the biggest blessing this experience gave me was a wonderful positive relationship that is deeper than the one i had with all three of my boys.
some other good stuff for me also centered around what i was missing, and letting myself live without. i loved a woman after christine for 18 mos before that relationship ended. although i had been with women before christine, i somehow had lost sight of what sex is all about. christine and i had a poor sex life, as you can imagine, since she never really wanted to be with me. she isnt bisexual, she is a lesbian.
when i was with the several woman i have been with afterwards, i was surprised at such simple pleasures i was letting myself live without.
i know i will love again in the future because of the 18 mos relationship i had, and the few women after that. i know i am capable of loving.
i still need to learn how to clean my house tho….that is still a negative
