“Grief is the price we all pay for love.”

That is what the owner of Barbaro, the Kentucky Derby champion racehorse, said yesterday when they had to end his pain after he succumbed to his ailments.

I’m not much of a horse racing follower although I do love to ride for fun.  You don’t appreciate the magnificence and power of these creatures until you are either standing right next to one or mounted atop a saddle.  All of the sudden, it is easy for you to feel so small…

I have been following the Barbaro story for the last 9 months since he broke his leg at the start of the Preakness.  He was heavily favored and they were sure they had the first Triple Crown winner since 1978 but those dreams ended shortly after the gates opened on that May day.

What really got me hooked on this story was more than the sports drama.  It was the jockey Edgar Prado.

I remember reading the story back in May and I was blown away by what Prado said immediately after the race and after Barbaro was taken off the track in an ambulance.  He said that he didnt know Barbaro broke his leg at first (imagine the concentration the jockey must have had with the enormous expectations upon his shoulders - he was riding the next Triple Crown winner, the horse was heavily favored, and it was up to him to keep the legacy going) but he could feel that something was wrong. 

The horse wasn’t running normally and the first thing that came into Prado’s mind was that he had to slow him down to see what was wrong.  He said that he wasn’t thinking about the winner’s purse, he wasn’t thinking about the glory, and he wasn’t thinking about the success and fame he would achieve with the win.  He just knew something was wrong with his friend and his highest priority was taking care of his beloved horse. 

Unbeknownst (did I spell that right?) to him at the time, had he kept running him, the horse would have had to be put down right there on the track.  But the newspapers made it clear that his instant reaction, driven by love and not glory, had saved his friend’s life, at least until yesterday.

I remember reading this story back then and being so touched by it. 
This was a man who had his priorities clear. 

And so, Prado enabled this beautiful creature to live for another 9 months.  You may think that doesn’t matter much  (what’s another 9 months?) but if someone you loved could either die today or live another 9 months (without living as an invalid or in constant pain) which would you choose?  When it comes to love, 9 months certainly counts.  It’s enough time to create a new human being! And, after all, all we really have is precious time here on earth. How can we discount any of it?

Put yourself in Prado’s shoes for a moment.  You’re running in the Preakness with millions of people not only watching, but expecting you to win! All eyes are on you.  You have a wonderful partner you’re riding and the two of you are seamless together.  When you cross that finish line, as you expect to do, you will be hailed as a great jockey and will earn millions of dollars for you and the owners who have trusted you as the sole person in the world to carry this torch.

But then, something doesn’t feel right although you’re not sure what’s wrong. You can’t see anything (it was his hind leg) but you’re slowing down a little.  Is the horse ok?  You dont know but if you are wrong, your career and reputation will be ruined forever.  You will be known as one of the biggest sports chokes of all time. 

What do you do…? 

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One of the initial exercises I like to do with my new coaching clients is help them get clear on their own values and priorities. Here are a few questions to consider:

• Name 3 people you admire - what qualities do they have that you either have, are working on or wish you had?  These are good clues into what your core values are.  For example, a few of the qualities I admire are generosity, self-expression and courage.
• What are your personal guiding principles for how you want to live your life?  Is there a mantra or quote you use to keep yourself  centered and grounded?
• What are your boundaries and do you honor them?  This comes up a lot for professionals trying to balance overloaded work demands with family and personal time.  It is not an easy balance, but defining and honoring specific (but flexible) boundaries makes it possible.

For more questions to consider, click here to check out my free Audio Course “7 Steps for Designing and Living an Extraordinary Life.”  I think you’ll find it useful.

I lead coaching certification programs for a great coaching school - The Life Purpose Institute (www.lifepurposeinstitute.com) and part of the training includes a 2 hour marketing seminar where I take new coaches through their initial business and marketing plans and coach them so they can set themselves up to build a sustainable, powerful and passionate coaching practice.  The students who come to this school are amazing people - they are everything from ranch owners to foreign university students to company presidents to stay at home mom and dads.  But they all have one thing in common - a passion for helping others realize their potential! 

I will be bringing these coaching programs to the NYC area later this year (we tried to have one next month but it was too soon after the holidays) so stay tuned.  If you are interested in learning more now, feel free to visit their site listed above. They have programs going on in San Diego as well as teleclasses going on constantly. 

Anyway, here is an email I just received from one of my students (thanks Marjan) and I thought it would be good to share with you.  Let me know if you like it:

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 Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, “Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over.” I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead “I will come next Tuesday”, I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn’s house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

“Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!”

My daughter smiled calmly and said, “We drive in this all the time, Mother.” “Well, you won’t get me back on the road until it clears, and then I’m heading for home!” I assured her. “But first we’re going to see the daffodils. It’s just a few blocks,” Carolyn said. “I’ll drive. I’m used to this.”

“Carolyn,” I said sternly, “Please turn around.” “It’s all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.”

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, “Daffodil Garden.” We got out of the car, each took a child’s hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

“Who did this?” I asked Carolyn. “Just one woman,” Carolyn answered. “She lives on the property. That’s her home.” Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. “Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking”, was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. “50,000 bulbs,” it read. The second answer was, “One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.” The third answer was, “Began in 1958.”

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.
That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time–often just one baby-step at time–and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world…

“It makes me sad in a way,” I admitted to Carolyn. “What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it ‘one bulb at a time’ through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!”
My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. “Start tomorrow,” she said.

She was right. It’s so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, “How can I put this to use today?”

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting…..

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die…

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So work like you don’t need money. Love like you’ve never been hurt, and, Dance like no one’s watching.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

My 6 year old daughter went to her friend’s birthday party the other day.  It was at an ice skating rink and my wife Sabrina accompanied her there, since my daughter doesn’t drive yet (she doesnt make coffee yet either but we’re working on that ).  My daughter had only skated once before with me last year and Sabrina hasn’t skated for years and years.  Balance isn’t exactly her forte anyway (sorry babe - had to do it)

My daughter was nervous about going because she was afraid that everyone else would be better skaters and wouldn’t skate with her so she’d be left alone (you know moms and dads don’t count in these situations.) But we told her to do her best and all the other encouraging things that parents say to 6 year olds to get them to try things.

When they came home, I asked my daughter how it was and she said it was GREAT! I asked her how she did and if the others skated with her and she gave an emphatic YES! She explained that  after she fell down a few times, she started to get better and, by the end, she was skating faster than a lot of the other kids. I gave her a big hug.

I asked her how her mommy did and she laughed. She said that ‘mommy skated so funny!’ When I asked her why she replied, (deep breath) “because she was afraid to fall down, so mommy skated the whole time trying not to fall down, and I told her, ‘Mommy, just fall down! It doesn’t hurt’ but mommy didnt want to fall down so she kept skating really funny and looked all bent over like this, and I was skating so much faster than her and…” (whew) You get the point. She can talk , that little one.

Anyway, through the shared belly laughs, the wisdom of what she said hit me right away.  Mommy was skating to not fall down.  My daughter was initially afraid, so she didnt want to even try it.  But with help from her support system (i.e. Us at first and then her friends), once she got there and got on the ice, she let it rip.  My wife was a little nervous at first too for different reasons.  However, she didn’t get over that hump because she didn’t go for it, preferring to stay bunched up in a defensive position, slightly hunched forward, like a new deer learning how to walk.  By the end, my daughter was skating circles around her.  Safety aside, there’s a lesson in there.

Therefore, in looking at my own crazy fears and life, I have decided to make this the year that I fall down…a lot! All the things I’ve been afraid to try - the new programs I want to create and lead, the bigger game I want to play, etc. I have been afraid to make mistakes or look foolish or be judged incompetent, etc.  I’ve been skating not to fall down.

So this is the year to really get on the path. I will keep getting up however, no matter how sore my rear end gets.  As the saying goes, the key to life is falling down 7 times but getting up 8.  And so I will. 

Of course I’ll wear my helmet - it’s not about being reckless.

But if I’m fortunate to have good health and energy, strong support around me, my sense of humor, and a little luck, I may just end the year being as wise as my 6 year old daughter.

Happy New Year!

- BTW: For a slightly different perspective on this, see this month’s newsletter at http://www.jaffelifedesign.com/the-wakeup-call-newsletter.htm 

Speak with you soon

-mj

Don’t forget to share with us all the ways you intend to fall down on your butt this year! Reply to this blog and let us know!